And anyway, this is not a love song. Nor a love letter. Nor really about anything having to do with love. I don’t think. At least not right now.

I’m single, though I wouldn’t say terminally single. (Some may disagree, but I don’t feel that being single is something that’s terminal nor horrible.) I’ve been single for what feels like forever and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. But aren’t single people those happy, carefree people who go out every night and drink to excess while the stars are twinkling outside and the neon lights are dancing in their eyes?

Oh, that is for those who are about twenty years my junior. That’s how their lives (supposedly) go. When you’re nearing forty in a runaway train going downhill on an icy slope, it’s just not like that. At least, not for me – or for most of my friends who are in the same age range as I am. But I do believe there’s something out there and I’m just not sure what it is I am missing. What am I doing wrong? How am I single-handedly missing out on this greatness of the single life that I hear about?

I’m not saying that I’m dying to get married or that I am in need of a partner. I’ve never been the wedding dress kind of girl and I never really imagined myself as married until I was older, if at all. But I know that there’s something out there. And as I’m sliding headfirst toward that wall that is forty (four more months), I’m determined to figure out what that something is.

At best, I’ll discover what it is and I’ll no longer feel that I’m missing out on something so cool (inferring that I’m uncool). And at worst, I’ll remain uncool, but at least it’ll give me something to write about while I try to figure it out.

“Fantastic!”

I stopped counting money and looked up from my wallet to see if he was smiling. He was.

“Really?”

He started laughing and shook his head, “No. I’m really terrible because I’m cooped up until midnight on this beautiful day.”

When I finished my transaction, I told him the following: “I’ll tell you what: Give it about 20 minutes and I promise you’ll feel better. I’ll be home and I’ll go outside and enjoy this weather for you.

Now, most people would give some sort of smart answer to that (even though I was being completely sincere), but he just nodded his head and said, “I believe that. I believe in positive energy, so I know I’ll be feeling better soon.”

So here I sit on my balcony, watching the sun’s hazy reflection on the lake, listening to the birds singing in the distance. And I believe that by drinking in this calm and this peace, I’m transmitting that positive energy to that young guy.

Sounds crazy, right? Well, I don’t believe that it is. There are many situations that people are going through in this world where all the money in the world can’t change a thing or make anything better for them. But trying to send positive light and energy their way may make all the difference in the world to them. And even if you don’t know the person or their situation, you may want to just offer up some positivity to someone just because. Just close your eyes and focus, imagining that you’re sending bright, white light into someone’s heart and mind.

You never know. On those days that it seems that all is going wrong around you, but still you manage to hold your head up high and your heart feels light with joy, someone, somewhere, may be sending you some of that same energy.

In my experience, ignoring a problem has never made it go away.

Truer words have never been spoken and yet a lot of people – myself included – live lives sheathed in blissful ignorance of their problems or the issues that exist in our lives.

My previous plan of action when it came to problems: ignore and deny. Depending on how big the problem was, I’d hide away from it all, choosing to pretend that everything was fine and I was completely unaffected. But in reality, I was allowing my issues/problems to eat me up inside and fill me with fear, changing me into someone that I truly wasn’t. Moody, withdrawn, anxious. Those are not the characteristics that make up the person that I am.

By nature, I am not a fearful person. I have no reason to fear because of the three F’s that exist in my life: Family, Friends, and most importantly, Faith. If I encounter any adversity, I know that I can conquer it as long as I acknowledge it and face it head-on.

Our problems are as big as we allow them to become.

No matter how small (or great) the problem is, we have to remember that we have the strength and the fortitude to work through it and to come out victorious in the end. Don’t make mountains out of molehills – even if they are mountains. Just put on your climbing gear and get ready to climb!

—————-
Now playing: U2 – City of Blinding Lights
via FoxyTunes

I began 2009 without a job and without any prospects of what I was going to do. I also performed the yearly ritual of making a resolution to lose weight and forgetting said resolution within the second week of the year. I began to develop strange health issues that were connected to my weight, but I still couldn’t stick with a plan to lose weight. In spite of those things, I was filled with a hope that I’d never experienced in all of my life. Seemed rather unlikely, but I knew, somehow, that 2009 was going to be such a pivotal year for me and I proceeded through the year as if I already had everything that I had wanted.

My secret: Instead of focusing on what I lacked, I voiced my desires and the Universe began to listen to me when I stated the things I knew I was destined to have.

In February, an amazing job opportunity came up and it allowed me to get my finances in order. In May, I began a Weight Loss Challenge and was able to take control of my eating habits and my health, losing over 50 pounds in the process and gaining a better sense of self. In October, an opportunity to travel to New Zealand opened up for me and I have already paid for my trip and purchased my airfare. And now, on December 31st, I am looking back on the miracle that was my year and I am eternally gratefully for all that I have gained AND lost. Everything that happened did so because of a specific purpose and whether or not I knew what that purpose was, I believed that everything would work out as it was supposed to in the end.

And two hours before the new year begins, having glanced behind me to the recent past, I can now turn my head and face forward to stare into the light, ready to embrace each new opportunity and adversity that comes my way in 2010. It is all for a purpose that will make itself known to me at the right time.

Happy New Year, Everyone! May 2010 be YOUR year! Believe it and claim it right NOW!

That was the last time that I danced for twenty-four years.

Sure, I used to go to the clubs with my friends and we’d set the dance floor on fire when any of our songs came on. But I needed more than a few cocktails to give me that liquid courage I needed before I could step out onto the floor. I needed something to help me feel that I didn’t stick out like a sore thumb – or a klutzy elephant. I was self-conscious that I was carrying so much weight and this was when I weighed 50 pounds less than I do now! It just didn’t seem possible for me to be graceful being as heavy as I was. And I know that there are heavy people who are graceful because I have seen many, but I was not one of them. I didn’t feel graceful when I moved. Not until I discovered belly dance.

When I’m doing hip drops or snake arms or hip slides, I close my eyes and know that my body is moving the way that I want it to. It goes to the left, the right, the front and back with no effort, just a bit of thought. I’m not sure how it looks, but for the first time since I was ten years old in my pink tutu, it doesn’t matter to me. To have that freedom; to just close my eyes and go with what I feel is something that had been lost to me for over twenty-four years. I’m so glad to have rediscovered it.

What have you lost from your childhood that you have yet to rediscover?

Sometimes we need to ponder that question because the answer could be the positive factor in our lives that we’ve been seeking. Maybe it’s playing an instrument or playing sports. Maybe painting used to be a hobby but somewhere along the way you convinced yourself that you didn’t have the talent. Don’t be afraid to try new things or to pick up old things! Be open to new experiences. You never know how it could impact your life.

“Dance like no one is watching, Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like no one is listening, Live like it’s heaven on earth.” – William Purkey

Obviously, I was juggling too many ideas and I had trouble deciding which subject to go with. Not being particularly taken with any one topic, I asked myself the question: Why can’t I be my own niche? I can write about any of the topics that interest me – and then some. And besides, of all the subjects that I know about, the one that I know best is myself.

Writing about yourself? The nerve!

Yes, I know. Shocking, huh? But while I don’t have a ’hook,’ I’m a multi-faceted and well-rounded person whose Google-fu is on overdrive, so I can write about more than one topic. And honestly, the thought of limiting my blog to just one category stifled me. I had so many topics that I wanted to write about, I had a hard time narrowing it down to just one subject. Obviously, I am not meant to do that.

So for those of you who are in the same position that I was in, I have two words for you: Speak out! Have confidence in your writing and know that your words, your experience, and your wisdom have merit. If you feel the need to write, then write! Share your thoughts, your dreams, your knowledge. Share yourself and don’t be afraid to be your own niche!

I’ve struggled with the notion of having a separate weight loss journal – as if the weight loss is a separate part of who I am.

“Holli is this cool-headed woman, trying to get her business together, but that fat stranger really is not connected to her in any way.”

Well, surprise! That person is no longer a stranger, so I will stop treating her as such. She is me and I am her and together we shall achieve a healthier life.

As this blog is titled ‘The Pursuit of Holli-ness‘, it encompasses all facets of my personality and my struggles that make me the person that I am. So I’m funny and quirky, I’m a writer and a tech geek, I’m a traveler and a photographer, I am an introvert in extrovert’s clothing, I’m easy-going and moody. And I am seriously overweight.

There is nothing about me that I want to change except for that very last fact. And that is exactly what this is about.

But this post is not being typed under a cloud of doom and gloom, the sound of a scary pipe organ playing in the background. Anytime that there is an epiphany, there should be choruses of angels singing and images of the sun breaking from behind the clouds. It’s truly a wonderful thing!

My epiphany: I am who I am and I don’t need to be ashamed at having to lose weight. It’s just a matter of me just doing it! (Sorry Nike!) Too many people who are overweight are ashamed to have got to that point and it stops them from taking part in a happier and healthier lifestyle. (Not all, but certainly some people. Myself included, at times.)

So here I am, World: I’m a big girl and I’m not going to take it any more!

My goal is to be down a total of 100 pounds by next March. So far I am down 25, with 75 pounds to go. Do I believe I can do this? Of course I can do it. Will I think less of myself if I don’t achieve that particular goal in that timeframe? Not at all. It is necessary for me to set a goal to shoot for, but it’s more important that I think of it as a guideline and not some measure of my success or failure. If I am only down another 25 pounds, it is still a success because better to be down than up!

I take comfort and joy in the knowledge that I have a strong support system in my friends and family and even on Facebook (52 in 52!). But most of all, I’m glad that I’m finally embracing all aspects of myself – the parts that are succeeding and the parts that need to be worked on. All of it makes up the person that I am – and I happen to like her quite a lot. It’ll just be nicer to see less of her when I look into the mirror!

We’ve all had those times where we’re floating along that lazy river of calm, the raft gently rocking with the current as we moved along the waters of life. And just as we began to drift off into that peaceful nap that we’d been hoping would come upon us for the previous hour – CRASH! We’re suddenly tossed onto the rocky shore, breaking our reverie and skinning our knees in the process. Or maybe the jostling  wasn’t so severe that it resulted in the need to be bandaged up. Maybe the raft tipped over and we were thrown into the freezing cold waters which resulted in us having to use extra towels. However severe the jarring, we’ve all been startled from our calm on more than one occasion and it usually was not a pleasant experience.

In the past, my first reaction was to get angry for I do not like being tossed into rocky shorelines nor rolled into freezing waters. But in hindsight, what did that anger accomplish? Did that anger change my situation and make it better in any way? I can honestly state that being angry never did anything to help my situation and it only hurt me in the long-run.

What’s important to remember is not that we’ve been jarred from the calm (or sometimes monotony) of our lives. Rather what’s important is how we choose to handle these situations when they come upon us. Unexpected difficulties are a natural occurrence and shall continue to happen at the most inopportune times as long as we make this journey through life. We need to do our best to roll with them and if we’re lucky, we can learn something from them.

So pack some bandages and a few extra towels. It’s (probably) going to be a bumpy ride.