Archive for category reflection
This is not a love song
Posted by Holli B in reflection, singleness on June 4, 2010
If I had the PIL song handy, I would have it playing as soon as someone opened up this blog. In fact, I’m hunting it down so I can add a link to the video because it’s necessary to view Johnny Rotten repeating those words a bajillion times to actually appreciate the song.
And anyway, this is not a love song. Nor a love letter. Nor really about anything having to do with love. I don’t think. At least not right now.
I’m single, though I wouldn’t say terminally single. (Some may disagree, but I don’t feel that being single is something that’s terminal nor horrible.) I’ve been single for what feels like forever and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. But aren’t single people those happy, carefree people who go out every night and drink to excess while the stars are twinkling outside and the neon lights are dancing in their eyes?
Oh, that is for those who are about twenty years my junior. That’s how their lives (supposedly) go. When you’re nearing forty in a runaway train going downhill on an icy slope, it’s just not like that. At least, not for me – or for most of my friends who are in the same age range as I am. But I do believe there’s something out there and I’m just not sure what it is I am missing. What am I doing wrong? How am I single-handedly missing out on this greatness of the single life that I hear about?
I’m not saying that I’m dying to get married or that I am in need of a partner. I’ve never been the wedding dress kind of girl and I never really imagined myself as married until I was older, if at all. But I know that there’s something out there. And as I’m sliding headfirst toward that wall that is forty (four more months), I’m determined to figure out what that something is.
At best, I’ll discover what it is and I’ll no longer feel that I’m missing out on something so cool (inferring that I’m uncool). And at worst, I’ll remain uncool, but at least it’ll give me something to write about while I try to figure it out.
You Don’t Need Money to Share
Posted by Holli B in peace, positivity, reflection on April 15, 2010
I stopped at the gas station on the way home this evening and when I walked up to the counter, I asked the attendant how he was doing.
“Fantastic!”
I stopped counting money and looked up from my wallet to see if he was smiling. He was.
“Really?”
He started laughing and shook his head, “No. I’m really terrible because I’m cooped up until midnight on this beautiful day.”
When I finished my transaction, I told him the following: “I’ll tell you what: Give it about 20 minutes and I promise you’ll feel better. I’ll be home and I’ll go outside and enjoy this weather for you. Read the rest of this entry »
Mountains out of Molehills
Posted by Holli B in reflection on April 9, 2010
My talented friend, Karen Swim, made a short but insightful post in Facebook this morning, stating the following:
In my experience, ignoring a problem has never made it go away.
Truer words have never been spoken and yet a lot of people – myself included – live lives sheathed in blissful ignorance of their problems or the issues that exist in our lives.
My previous plan of action when it came to problems: ignore and deny. Depending on how big the problem was, I’d hide away from it all, choosing to pretend that everything was fine and I was completely unaffected. But in reality, I was allowing my issues/problems to eat me up inside and fill me with fear, changing me into someone that I truly wasn’t. Moody, withdrawn, anxious. Those are not the characteristics that make up the person that I am.
By nature, I am not a fearful person. I have no reason to fear because of the three F’s that exist in my life: Family, Friends, and most importantly, Faith. If I encounter any adversity, I know that I can conquer it as long as I acknowledge it and face it head-on.
Our problems are as big as we allow them to become.
No matter how small (or great) the problem is, we have to remember that we have the strength and the fortitude to work through it and to come out victorious in the end. Don’t make mountains out of molehills – even if they are mountains. Just put on your climbing gear and get ready to climb!
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Now playing: U2 – City of Blinding Lights
via FoxyTunes
Looking Ahead While Glancing Behind
Posted by Holli B in health, reflection, weight loss on December 31, 2009
I know that a lot of issues that I have experienced in my life stemmed from my habit of looking back and dwelling in the past instead of experiencing the present and believing that I would have a brighter future. You can’t see the light that lies ahead of you – or the light that currently surrounds you – if your eyes are focused on the darkness that is behind you. Having said that, I do want to glance briefly into that darkness to recount where I came from.
I began 2009 without a job and without any prospects of what I was going to do. I also performed the yearly ritual of making a resolution to lose weight and forgetting said resolution within the second week of the year. I began to develop strange health issues that were connected to my weight, but I still couldn’t stick with a plan to lose weight. In spite of those things, I was filled with a hope that I’d never experienced in all of my life. Seemed rather unlikely, but I knew, somehow, that 2009 was going to be such a pivotal year for me and I proceeded through the year as if I already had everything that I had wanted.
My secret: Instead of focusing on what I lacked, I voiced my desires and the Universe began to listen to me when I stated the things I knew I was destined to have.
In February, an amazing job opportunity came up and it allowed me to get my finances in order. In May, I began a Weight Loss Challenge and was able to take control of my eating habits and my health, losing over 50 pounds in the process and gaining a better sense of self. In October, an opportunity to travel to New Zealand opened up for me and I have already paid for my trip and purchased my airfare. And now, on December 31st, I am looking back on the miracle that was my year and I am eternally gratefully for all that I have gained AND lost. Everything that happened did so because of a specific purpose and whether or not I knew what that purpose was, I believed that everything would work out as it was supposed to in the end.
And two hours before the new year begins, having glanced behind me to the recent past, I can now turn my head and face forward to stare into the light, ready to embrace each new opportunity and adversity that comes my way in 2010. It is all for a purpose that will make itself known to me at the right time.
Happy New Year, Everyone! May 2010 be YOUR year! Believe it and claim it right NOW!
Just Close Your Eyes and Dance
Posted by Holli B in reflection on August 31, 2009
When I was in the fourth grade, I took a ballet class with Mrs. Glousinger. I’d always been a heavy child, but in that class it didn’t matter. I loved wearing my little pink tutu and tights and I thought I was just as cute as the other, thinner young girls. I’d always been very agile and flexible, so I had no problem moving gracefully from first to fifth position or doing my pliés at the bar. My teacher was always encouraging and she never made me feel that I didn’t belong in there, so I believed that I did. And I danced my little heart away.
That was the last time that I danced for twenty-four years.
Sure, I used to go to the clubs with my friends and we’d set the dance floor on fire when any of our songs came on. But I needed more than a few cocktails to give me that liquid courage I needed before I could step out onto the floor. Read the rest of this entry »
Gaining More Than I’ve Lost
Posted by Holli B in health, reflection on August 18, 2009
I’ve struggled with the notion of having a separate weight loss journal – as if the weight loss is a separate part of who I am.
“Holli is this cool-headed woman, trying to get her business together, but that fat stranger really is not connected to her in any way.”
Well, surprise! That person is no longer a stranger, so I will stop treating her as such. She is me and I am her and together we shall achieve a healthier life.
As this blog is titled ‘The Pursuit of Holli-ness‘, it encompasses all facets of my personality and my struggles that make me the person that I am. So I’m funny and quirky, I’m a writer and a tech geek, I’m a traveler and a photographer, I am an introvert in extrovert’s clothing, I’m easy-going and moody. And I am seriously overweight.
There is nothing about me that I want to change except for that very last fact. And that is exactly what this is about. Read the rest of this entry »
Holding on with both hands
Posted by Holli B in reflection on August 17, 2009
I’d wanted my first post in this blog to be one about the peace and tranquility that I have been seeking. Instead, something happened today that jarred me right out of my peaceful bubble and I realized that I needed to write about that more than anything else.
We’ve all had those times where we’re floating along that lazy river of calm, the raft gently rocking with the current as we moved along the waters of life. And just as we began to drift off into that peaceful nap that we’d been hoping would come upon us for the previous hour – CRASH! We’re suddenly tossed onto the rocky shore, breaking our reverie and skinning our knees in the process. Or maybe the jostling wasn’t so severe that it resulted in the need to be bandaged up. Maybe the raft tipped over and we were thrown into the freezing cold waters which resulted in us having to use extra towels. However severe the jarring, we’ve all been startled from our calm on more than one occasion and it usually was not a pleasant experience. Read the rest of this entry »